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  • Jerry Zhou

Democracy has failed us – It's time for ME to reign supreme

Whether you consider yourself extremely politically conscious or simply get all your news from Tik Tok(or both), you probably know that our American governmental system is beyond repair–and you probably don’t need me telling you that, either.


Whenever we look outside, it’s frighteningly clear what our modern political system has become. Democracy is a lie, agency is an illusion, freedom is a figure of speech, and we’re all probably being mind-controlled by 5G-vaccine-wielding lizard cyborgs like Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk. It’s clear that representative democracy is not the type of government we need in today’s society–simply put, our electoral system isn’t keeping up with the times whatsoever, and is instead being engulfed by the shifting tides of technological progress. When George Washington, Alexander Hamilton, Abraham Lincoln, and the other founding fathers wrote up our constitution for representative republican democracy, it was unimaginable in their eyes for today’s political climate to turn out like this. Had they known that, 243 years later, our modern society would be reliant on mass-digitized information networks and our culture dominated by polarized media, they would never have pitched this backward concept of “democracy”–they probably would’ve never fought the revolution, to begin with.


Representative democracy functions on the basis of false assumption: That the electorate, the enfranchised masses, are capable and willing to act in accordance with the best interests of both the population and the nation at large. In an age of absolutism and polarization, it’s far too common for the will of the people to be swayed by populist demagogues on both sides of the aisle because it’s so easy to make honey-tongued promises of welfare benefits to one’s voter base and the fulfillment of the distant wishes of the more radical members of the electorate, and then for these figureheads to shrug off responsibility onto their voters once things get out of hand. (My editor’s telling me to talk about specific examples of this happening to prove my point, but I’m not going to because I can’t think of any. I’ll be sure to send another all-school email to update you all once I do, though.)


In these trying times, now more than ever, in an era of both pandemic and political collapse, our society needs to be united amidst such a polarized age. Partisan politics is not the answer. The two-party system has irrevocably failed us, and we need to restructure our government. You’re probably asking yourselves now, what could possibly be better than a democracy? What could possibly be better than the status quo that raised us?


The answer is, a lot of things–but, the solution to the partisan problem is simple: a no-party system. That’s right, I’m eliminating partisan strife by proposing a new, never done before, revolutionary system of government: Monarchy.


But not just any kind of Monarchy. No, no, no, no. That wouldn’t do at all. I’m talking about MY monarchy. As in, I am the Supreme God-King of the absolute totalitarian state of America, and you are all simply my subjects. There will be no talk of parliament, nor any notion of Congress–I, and I alone, am in charge of ALL the politics. In fact, there will be absolutely ZERO tolerance for any political parties forming at all, let alone one that differs from my ideology.


Allow me to elaborate. As the wildly reliable source The Crown Chronicles states, a monarchy unites the people and the ruler represents the entire nation, unifying the populace under a sense of solidarity and, uh, national unity. Furthermore, if that doesn’t work, to satiate the divided masses I shall switch my political platform back and forth at random to appeal to the people I find most relevant at the time–after all, according to simple statistics, 51% is larger than 49%. As long as my rule improves the lives of at least 51% of the population by allowing them to be the upper class, it doesn’t matter if I completely destroy the lives of the other 49%. Since the specific people that are in these 51% and 49% will alternate day by day, I’ll be guaranteed to keep the entire population happy every other day or so, if my math checks out. I don’t know though, I failed Stats–or at least I think I did, I’m not that sure.


In summary, a monarchy is only bad when the ruler is bad. That’s why, as long as we have a good ruler(i.e Me) the system will be good. The quality of government within a totalitarian dictatorship entirely lies within the hands of its leader–and with me being as charismatic, intelligent, and magnificent as I am, a government formed under me would function absolutely perfectly.


The weakened will of the masses by the brainwashing media spoonfed to them and the popular emotion being so easily swayed provides the perfect golden opportunity for a charismatic dictator like me to step in and take power. And if things ever get hairy, I can just dub dissenters “enemies of the people” and let the plebs work things out amongst themselves while having my secret police look the other way. In other words:


All hail the reign of Jerry Zhou.

All hail our Glorious Leader.

All bless the Supreme God-King.

Long may I reign.

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